Where are You Now?
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: Inspired by Mumford and Sons. A pain that cannot be spoken. A longing that must stay hidden. A love to be kept secret.


Jimmy,

Baby…God is the only one who will ever know how much I long to send this letter. But you and I both know why I can't

If I can bring myself to, I'll seal it with instructions to deliver it to you should I pass on first. If I can't muster the courage, then it will end in the fire like all the others and I'll hope that somehow you can still feel my love across the miles.

These letters I never send are the closest I can come to talking to you. I miss you so much, Baby.

* * *

Will,

I don't know why I keep writing these letters. I know I won't ever send one. I can't risk it. You can't either. Sometimes I guess I just miss you and I want to talk to you. This is the best I can do. Every letter I wrote to you is ash now and this will be too.

It's a silly thing I guess that made me want to write anyway. Sometimes it makes more sense. Sometimes I see some book about you or I read something in the newspaper. Today…the way the sun rose, I thought of Emma's place back in Sweetwater. I wanted to turn to you and ask you if you saw it too and thought of the old times. But you weren't there.

* * *

Sometimes, Baby, sometimes it makes me so mad. Not just that we can't be together but I hear things about you. I ain't mad at you. But I get so mad at how people talk. I want to yell at them. I want to tell them how wrong they are. But I can't. If anyone asks I just tell them that who they're talking about doesn't sound like my friend and that James Butler Hickok is closer than a brother to me. Can't tell them how much closer. Can't ever tell them that.

I want to though. You got to believe that. I want everyone to know how in love I am. I can't though. I just go home to that shrew of a woman I married and force a smile and a few yes dears.

* * *

It ain't even that you're not here. It's where you are and who you're with. You told me what she's like. I can't hardly stand knowing how miserable you are. I could make you happy and you're saddled with her.

I'll admit I ain't been no saint. A man can only go so long without some human contact. It don't mean nothing though. They're just whores. It sounds terrible for me to say that like I did but sometimes it's nice to have a warm body instead of my hand. It's all empty without you though.

I'll never get why the world is fine with me using someone like that but not alright with two people loving and caring for each other. It just don't make sense. I don't think it ever will.

* * *

I laugh sometimes because Lulu thinks I'm having an affair. I think she thinks I got a woman at every stop and a few in the show too. If she only knew. She says I don't love her and it's about the only thing she's right about. It's not like she loves me either.

And I'll admit there are women but they ain't where my heart is. They ain't where my love is. The only thing I long for some nights is to fall asleep in your arms with the rumble of your voice in my ear.

I wish I knew where you were right now. I try to keep track but I don't always know for sure. I just want to be able to picture you. Maybe you're sitting in a marshal's office somewhere with your feet propped up. Or maybe you're in a card game. If you are, just keep your back to the wall and make sure them barmaids serve on your left. Do that for me.

But maybe…maybe you're all alone and thinking. Maybe you're even thinking of me, of us. There's still an us, isn't there? I know if I saw you…if you were in front of me…I couldn't doubt it. I'd know there is but when we go so long without seeing each other, I get to doubting.

* * *

I'm jealous. I'll admit it. It's an ugly looking feeling on anyone and I think uglier on me than most. Some days I know I ain't all that fair. Teaspoon'd have my head for sure for some of the things I've done. But I'm jealous and it hurts. I ain't jealous you're with her. I'm jealous that she gets you. I love you and I can't have you but she don't love you and she gets you and…I just don't know what to do with that.

Remember the last time we saw each other? I do. I hold it close and turn it over and over in my head at night. We went walking in the night. It was clear and I could see nearly every star in the sky even though we was in a city and it's never all dark in one of them places.

* * *

I keep thinking on the last time I saw you, Baby. We went for a walk and we were so alone in the darkness I almost felt safe taking your hand. I didn't though but I let mine brush against yours. It ain't good enough. Brushing hands like on accident. Tilting your hat or tugging your sleeve instead of saying 'I love you'. That's just all wrong. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you.

* * *

I remember your hand brushing against mine, Will. It's all I could do to not grab you and kiss you and hold you to me. How the moon shone in your eyes. I ain't much for pretty words but you were just so beautiful. I never knew beauty like you before. To think that even if I can't have you that you're mine all the same. I can't even believe it. Part of me wanted to run back to the hotel so we could be alone but you pulled me to a bench.

You talked so open to me. There wasn't no one around really to hear and you were so bold. I heard you tell me you loved me before but that was so close to being in public. I can't even tell you what that did to my heart. I know I said some things too—things I don't usually say when we're not totally alone. I meant them too.

Mostly I remember you talking about our love. You said no one would ever know what we felt and that made it all the more important that we never forget how precious it is. I won't, Will. I promise. I know this is right even if no one else does and I know I love you like no one else ever will.

* * *

I remember how you looked at me, Jimmy. You looked so small and frail. I ain't never seen that in you—not in a real long time anyway. It was kind of humbling to know you could show yourself to me like that. It's how I feel too. We're in something bigger than the both of us and we never had a say in anything. I wouldn't change this though. I might change how the rest of the world sees what we are. I would change that if I could but I'll never want to change falling in love with you.

* * *

I was glad we said our goodbyes in the hotel room. If we hadn't then it might've broken my heart when we parted on the boardwalk. You shook my hand and patted my shoulder and just turned like it didn't matter. I know it's how you have to be, how we have to be. I just…well, I know you know what I mean.

Sometimes it feels all there is to us is hurt. I think maybe it's not worth it. Love ain't supposed to hurt. For all people talk of love hurting…it ain't supposed to. Losing love hurts and leaving a love hurts and seeing the one you love hurting hurts but love ain't supposed to hurt. It's supposed to feel good and right. If we didn't get to meet up every now and then to remind me of how it feels when I'm with you, I think I would give up.

I ain't talking about making love either although I never known better. I'm talking about just being with you. I mean watching you talk and how your whole body tells the story and seeing your smile and how it makes your eyes dance. I'm talking about before we fall asleep when it's all dark in the room and we're just talking soft. We don't even have to be talking about anything important. Just feeling your arms around me, your body close to me and hearing your voice and knowing we're safe and together. That's how love is supposed to feel.

* * *

I can already tell this letter is headed for the fire. I just don't dare to keep it anywhere. I'm sorry. Maybe if I was braver. Maybe we could beat them all. Maybe we could find a way. There was a time we wouldn't have let the small minds of a few stand in the way of what was right. We never let wrong thinkers put down Buck or Ike or Noah. Of course it wasn't just the two of us against the world then. I'd wager we couldn't count on the support of the ones who had our backs in those days. That ain't their fault, I know. Makes me mad though sometimes. I know Lou still nags you about finding a woman. I know you might not ever. I know even if you did it would be shallow and empty and all for show.

This ain't no way to live. It ain't. But I don't see no other way. Real happiness ain't an option. Not for either of us. I worry how alone you are, Baby. I worry you're lonely. I worry you ain't taking care of yourself. I worry you ain't staying safe.

* * *

I guess it don't matter much how I sign off on this. I ain't sending it. Yeah the infamous Wild Bill is scared. You know that though. You know everything I'm scared of. You're the only one who does. You know I think of you every day. It ain't just the stories I see written about you. It's different than that. I know this show business thing was your dream and your destiny and all. See, I do listen. But to me you'll always be that hothead trying to show up Teaspoon out at Emma's place.

We were so damned innocent then. I can't even believe how we acted. I look back and I think I probably always loved you. I know I always will.

* * *

You know, Baby, sometimes I think I see you in the crowds at the shows. Just a glimpse. I know it's not you and when I look I can't even find who I thought might be you. Just sometimes the memory gets stirred. And sometimes at night when I'm in my study trying to avoid Lulu, I think I see a shadow on the floor—your shadow. It feels better for a minute. It feels like I'm not all alone. But then it hurts all the more to know I imagined it. Hell, one night I damned near poured you a drink before I realized you weren't there.

You're never far from my thoughts. If nothing else of my words or my love or my wishes for you comes through. I want you to somehow feel how much I love you. I know you take less chances when you feel that strong. I begged you once not to make me go on without you. I'll beg again if I have to. I don't have any pride where you're concerned. Just stay safe so I can see your face again. And do something just stupid enough to make the newspapers so I know where you are. Not stupid enough to get your fool self killed but just to let me know where to find you.

I can't help wondering where you are now…

* * *

I wish I could picture you. I don't even know where you are now. Not exactly. I try to remember you love me and I try to stay safe like you always harp on me about. I do, Will. Please believe me. I just wonder where you are and I try to picture you. It's hazy but sometimes I can almost draw up the image…

* * *

I love you, Jimmy. I love you like I'll never love anyone else. I love you like I didn't know anyone could.

* * *

I know that you know I love you. I say it enough when I see you. But I need to think you feel it. Far apart as we are and little as we talk and see each other. I got to know you feel how much I love you. I played at love before you and didn't know what I was doing. Thought it was something I needed to learn but it was just something I needed to feel. Once I felt it, I knew all I needed.

* * *

Ride safe, my love…

* * *

My beautiful Will, ride safe…

* * *

Your Loving Will

* * *

Always your baby…Jimmy

* * *

**This isn't the story I set out to write. I know you've heard that from me before. Listening to this song by Mumford, I was thinking of a different story but couldn't get it to gel...but then the Bills popped up and said this was part of their story. I nearly cried when I started seeing it unfold in my head. They always have the power to do that to me. **

**I hope this was, on some level, enjoyable. I know it is a tough topic and I know it's hard because there is no hope of the two of them being able to run off together and be free to show their love. While I was writing this, I looked at pictures of Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka...it reminded me that things are better now. But still made me sad that my sweet Bills can't have a life more like that. So...as always...let me know what you thought. I know the Bills are not everyone's favorite pairing but they are tender and their love is honest and I feel bound to tell their story. All of it. Even the parts that make my heart break.-J**

* * *

Where are You Now? – Mumford and Sons

It came to the end it seems you had heard.  
As we walked the city streets,  
You never said a word.

When we finally sat down  
Your eyes were full of spite.  
I was desperate, I was weak,  
I could not put up a fight.

Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Do you ever think of me  
In the quiet, in the crowd?

You were strangely less than pain  
Than you were cold.  
Triumphant in your mind  
Of the logic that you hold.

You said no one would ever know  
The love that we had shared.  
As I took my leave to go  
It was clear you didn't care.

Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Do you ever think of me  
In the quiet, in the crowd?

Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Do you ever think of me  
In the quiet, in the crowd?

And I hear of your coming and your going in the town.  
I hear stories of your smile,  
I hear stories of your frown.

And the darkness can descend,  
We can relish all the pain.  
But I know that's what you love,  
Cause you know I love the same.

Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Do you ever think of me  
In the quiet, in the crowd?


End file.
